I have been in love for the past five months. That’s my confession. Something I can only confess publicly but not privately, and by that I mean those that read this entry will be strangers.
But here I am, telling the world I am in love. I will not tell you the specifics of my love, but I will say that I have learned a lot about myself while being in love.
I learned I’m terrible at giving space. I jump head first in everything I do, and that includes relationships. I smother and I repeat the same mistakes over like I never learned my lesson the first time.
I’m sorry to those I have smothered. I’m no good at letting others feel their anguish and pain and thus somehow never letting you heal. But now that I know this about me, I am working on it.
I learned that even though someone can tell me she loves me over and over again, I am terrible at accepting love. I have let anxiety and insecurity run though me like a Black Plague. I darkened the brightest spot in my life just because I didn’t know how to let someone love me.
I am sorry for that too.
It’s hard to undo over five years of abuse that made me feel so worthless and undeserving of love. I hate this about me. How did I become someone that let the past rule over her? How?
Nothing was wrong until I opened my stupid mouth and festered old wounds in a new and beautiful relationship.
I am not good at being a girlfriend. I imagine most people struggle everyday about how to be a good partner to their significant other, so I know I’m not alone, but it sure does feel like it.
Two novice people fall in love. Two innocent people that have abandonment issues and know too much pain from before. The beauty of their mistakes is that, like torn muscle, they can regrow and rebuild to be stronger. But that’s what happens when two people hardly know how to be part of two when they’ve always been alone.
I learned that in love, the struggle to be as two than one is real. They say relationships are hard. It’s true. They are. Why? Because it requires two people to make adjustments to their way of life that accommodates both partners, not just one. It’s not a sacrifice on their ends, but rather a understanding of how your partner works and what to do to make them feel good. It takes practice and a lot of tries to get I right. That’s what I’ve learned. I want to try a million times with her than with anyone else in this world.
They say, the heart wants what it wants, and mine wants her more than it will ever want anyone else. Yes, I know. It all sounds so dramatic, but the reality is, you don’t know who you’ll struggle for until they walk right into your life and make a forest inside of you. The air I breathe feels fresh when she is near. The heart is at ease when she holds me close.
They say, how do you know someone is the one? There is no definitive answer. You just know. It’s a silent wave of cool water washing over you. Giving you shivers when she looks at you with a smile. It’s a flutter of the wings that roar inside your stomach when she kisses you. It’s the fading of time as she stands beside you, like nothing else matters because nothing else is there. In a room full of people that all want my attention, its hers I crave. It’s hers I seek. It’s her I see.
Let me confess again, I am in love. Yes, I am.
