This is something I don't ever talk about, but since it is Thanksgiving here I want to express my gratefulness. At sixteen I started cutting myself to deal with the trauma of being molested at twelve. It took me about eight years, on and off, to truly stop self harming, and in between that time I grew into my feminist identity - a movement I credit for not only giving me my voice back, but saving me from the conflicted torment of growing up female in a patriarchal world.
It wasn't until I understood that we live in a world of social constructs, for which the social norms we have are things we make up, including the definitions of masculinity and femininity, that I was able to let go of my pain. I learned, as comprehensively as I could, why a man four times older than I would or could conceive the thought of molesting me. I learned, through the avenues of an intersectional feminism, why society hypersexualizes a child's body and blames her for the violent acts done to her.
At twenty-four I made the conscious decision to stop cutting because I no longer felt the loss of control over my body. I was no longer the foreigner trapped within a sexualized form. I learned, unconventionally, that what others say, what others do and believe of me is not the truth that defines me. I define me, and I don't have to carry the pain handed to me when I was twelve. I don't have to carry the weight of the world that denies me my basic human rights. I am complete as I am, and my scars are simply tangible evidence of my will to survive.
This does not mean I don't struggle day to day with my experiences in life. I believe that once you have been molested or raped or violated in some way, you are forever struggling to find peace in your own body. It's just something you have to learn to manage. For a long time I managed it in a not so good way, but I don't regret my choices. I simply have forgiven myself. I am, however, thankful that for the last two years I have not once self-injured. I am so thankful for the feminist movement, and the role it had in my healing process. It has made me proud of how far I have come, and for the things I have learned, and for giving me the agency to be unapologetically myself in a world that constantly wants me to be someone else.
I just wanted to share a tiny blurb of my story because I'm just so happy to be so grateful. that is all. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all have a good day full of good food and belly laughs.
With Love,
Vivian
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